Is this it?

I know there's reasons behind everything right..
But lately it's getting harder and harder to understand the reasons for peoples actions. I thought I knew, I really thought I was beginning to understand, but I slowly started spiraling downwards again, and now I'm hitting rock bottom.. Fast.

What do I do..
There's no one there to catch me, and no one to care for me when I do hit rock bottom.
It's seems like such a rush.. Not the good kind though, it's like everything's going so fast now I just don't understand.
I'm stumbling blind here, I'm the only one to blame though right?
It is my fault. As much as I'm told it's not, doesn't change how I'm feeling.

Will everything be fine?
There's so much going on and I can't talk about it to anyone.
I used to talk to him a lot, about everything. And I still can.. About most things.
But how can I explain my feelings for him when he doesn't want me to. He wants things to work, or so he says he does. But if he can't let me express myself to him is it what he really wants.
Or am I letting someone I've grown so close to over the past few months completely slip through my fingers..
I want answers. But I can't get answers off someone who doesn't know what they want.
You love me. You don't. You love me. You don't.
Which is it?
It's like when I was a kid, and I'd like a boy from school and pick each petal off a daisy asking those exact same questions over until on one petal was left, and that would be my answer.
Is it too late in life to go back to my childish days, where nothing could harm me and everything was alright?

Maybe it is..
But it doesn't mean I can dream of a life without pain.

Last year I lost a close family member.
I thought to myself that I'd make 2010 really special. And when I found someone special to be I go and lose them at the start of 2010. Is it a sign? It's been happening a lot in the past few years. I'd get something great and no matter how much I want to hold on to it I lose it..
Maybe it's pure coincidence.. Or maybe I'm just unlucky, I'm just not meant to be happy..?

Am I going to suffer an on going pain in my life..