You've slipped away..

Well Summer is over and it's like I'm starting all over.
People who have played a big part in my life have slipped away, in ways I am both happy and sad about this. I can't dwell on the people of my past anymore though, I've been doing that far too long. It's time for a new beginning and a more focused and positive me.
Although, I know I can not change parts of myself completely I do want to better myself in many ways. I want to be focused and driven in school so that my future is as bright as I've ever wanted, some of my expectations may be too high yes, but that does not mean I should cut them away and just be happy with how things are, that is no longer the person I'm going to be. My life has always consisted of me being in the backround, always overshadowed by what I thought were better people that me but I was wrong, no one is better that anyone. We are all equal, yes we're different in many ways but that most certainly does not mean we are not equal.
I refuse to be pushed around and forgotten about. If people don't like me that is perfectly fine, if they do not want to be my friend that is also fine, as it's their own decission and choice and whether they live to regret these types of decissions is entirely up to them.

I have grown so much closer to some people and drifted apart from others. The people I have drifted from will always be very close to my heart and a major part of my life but in a different way than before. I still love each of them dearly and although I do not see them as much as I would like to, things could change again but I cannot forsee the future, I will just have to wait and see what life throws at me.

The people I have grown closer to were always part of my life and I cannot express how good it is to be close to them along with new friendships made over these few months and a lovely new relationship, I am quite content with my life as of now.
Perfection in life is not the key to happiness, for me happiness is being able to let go of past, love the present, and hope for future.

This all may seem like a pile of bullshit, but I don't care.
I wanted to write my thoughts down, it has been awhile.
So for now,
Goodbye (: x

Aoibhinn O'Reilly. DATES.

Right so basically this is for your one I call my best friend because I said I'd do one for her (:

16 & a half years and we're still bestos.
We used to practically be matching at Christmas and all. That's love :)

Ok anyway back to her and our friendship.

I don't think anyone knows me as well as she does, I tell her almost everything even though she may not want to know :P but she just has to put up with me.
We've had our falling outs and stuff like that but we seem to come back stronger. No one could replace her in my life, no matter how much they try it has and never will happen. We've had plenty of people try come between us and the always fail because it's not worth losing a life long friend for a friendship that may not even last a year.

All this is really a lie. I just want lifts LOL
Love you really. Alan.

Its actually kind of strange having someone that could sit on the other end of the phone without even speaking and still know what I'm thinking or the faces I'm pulling. We have a tendency to make eachother go into pure stinky fits for no reason, we look like lunatics half the time but the good kind :)
I also think I'm the only one that understands what shes says half the time, bit of a mumbler:)
Living with her for weeks in Turkey helps.. She bashes me in my sleep.. Dont share a bed with her, just a little warning.

To sum her up in a few words..
She is the most amazing, strange creepy person I know but I still love her :)
Bestos/Cuzos 2k10.
Rarara.
xxx

Ciara Rooney.. Amazing Person

This girl has made such a difference in my life, I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. Known her just over two years now I think and if I'm wrong I'm sorry.
It was such a fluke that we became friends but possibly the best thing to happen to me. We instantly clicked and she just got me completely. She has always been there for me and we never once had a fight :)
She is one of my best friends and I hope she always will be. I want plenty more drunken nights with this one. The laughs we have ;)

All I can say really is that I love you (:
You're amazing and you better never think any different because it's true.
No matter what.
x

For Jason McDonald. The Best Lad.

See told you I would.
So basically Jay is the best lad for the following reasons.

Right, so I've known him a good few years now. He's one of my best guy friends and definitey very important to me. We have the best chats and I know he'll always be there for me even if he does fuck off to Leeds :( which I most certainly would not be happy about along with lots of other people I'm sure! He gets me into good bands and we drink Kopperburg together. Best buzz.

He's a goose that finds Hedgehogs and rings me up to tell me when we dreadfully locked, well I was anyway! He has come to my house for chats that ended up being like us talking till 2 in the morning the night before the Mini Marathon. Pure wrecked cause of him ¬.¬ but I forgave him.

His mammy is an absolute legend aswell so he gets bonus points for that :)

And he said he'd make me pancakes :)

All in all he is the best lad and one of my favourite people.

Love ya :)

None the wiser.

So usually I'm in horrible moods and unhappy for many different reasons when I blog but not today (:
Things are different for once.. well kind of.
I'm never truely going to be happy with every piece of my life but I'm learning to block out bits, I'm not hiding from them but in the past week or two I've learnt that by getting on with things and keeping my big mouth shut will make me better off, especially when it comes to family. And unfortunately I'm stuck with my family, but they did make me who I am today. I don't know whether that's good or bad though..

Anyway, so to get the bad things out of the way.
1. I lost my job. It really isn't much of a problem though, I can go out on the booze again now.. less money of course *sighs*. I'll survive though.
2. I didnt get to go to Oxegen. Oh well there's always next year.
3. My cat is currently eatting my foot. Strange yes.

Happy things (:
Nomnomnom. I eat happyness for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In recent months I've debated many friendships that I have and have had over the past few years, months and weeks. Trying to figure out who were real. I find it so hard to trust people and it's hard to let people in on my life, really hard.
But I've realised the people that I have no doubt will be in my life for a very long time. Complete and utter beauts they are. I couldn't be happier, I have the best friends. We have ups and downs and points where we don't really talk so much but in the end I know the few that'll always be there for me and I love them to bits (:

I've also found a lovely new boy. Things aren't serious yet, but I haven't smiled this much in a long time, so it must be good.
Happy days I think. I hope.

Tattoo talk.
Back into tattoo thinking mode, I've decided what I want, it's just where to get it that I can't figure out. Leg or ribs, either way it's going to be painful. I just need the cash to pay for this beaut of a tattoo (: nomnom.

Mammy dearest broke her arm, the big goose. Fell actting the maggot out the backgarden.
I am now woman of the house. I cook and clean.
I'm sick of it already. Argh.

Oh well that me in the past few weeks. Boring (:
Peace x

Things can only get better!

Start of Summer tomorrow at last.
It feels like this year has dragged it, there were some good bits but the majority of 4th year was pretty shit, and I'm almost certain I'd have been much better off not doing it, nothing that I can change now though.
I've 3 months to do whatever the fuck I want and then 5th year comes and it'll be study study study for me if I want to get those 555 points I need. The next two years are going to be lovely and stressful. JOY :

But anyway, I've 3 months of freedom before I have to think of that :)
Missed out on what would probably have been the best weekend of my life. I wish I had of just gone to Slamdunk. Fucking raging like. It sounded so amazing. There's always next year though so I better start saving! :)

Every year I plan so much for the Summer, and this year I actually wanna do the stuff and have a deadly few months. And no, that doesn't mena get locked all the time, it means actually doing some seriously fun stuff with some of the best people I know. I need to make a list soon.
But to start off, my parents have left me for two weeks. So the fun has already begun :)
Next step, Mini Marathon, which I have done no training for what so ever this past month, lazybones. So this week I'm doing a power week, well I hope to anyway, if not I can safely say I'm fucked but I'll do it anyway :) The t-shirts are a fantastic bright yellow : it's really not my colour.

World cup soon. Football nights are in order. Pizza + cans + football = sorted :)

Something I've learned this past week.. Stick to vodka and cider. All other alcohol is poison.

I'll write sooooon.

Peace out
x

Brave faces mean nothing.

I'm actually really getting tired of pretending.
I'm not alright. This whole shit is doing my head in and my family are too wrapped up in petty fights to even realise. To be honest, they probably make things worse.
I want to get out of here for awhile. Just fuck off for a few weeks so I don't have to see your face and sort my head out or I'm just going to break down physically and mentally.
I haven't got the energy anymore.

:(

I gave you my heart and soul, but it was never enough.

Argh. The last few months have been good and bad.

I've lost people in so many different ways and trying to be close to them is like, I don't even know. It's not what they want though. I make every effort, but it's not good enough and not what they want. I've learnt to just get on with it though, I mean things are still rough and I'll always try to rebuild things that I've lost but if I'm not good enough to be part of their life then ok. I just have given up caring, I care more about other people than myself, so it's time for a change. I don't mean I'm going to be a selfish bitch, but I need me time :) and to actually just started looking after me or else things are just going to go horribly wrong like they were a few years ago.

BUT.. On the other hand I've got one of the best people back in my life, I'm so happy we're getting close again. She's been helping me through a lot of things. She knows how I'm feeling and it's just great having her to talk to and helping her through stuff too!
Actually, I've got a lot of amazing people in my life right now, there's one or two that I'd like in it but that's just their own choice I guess. Their loss ;) haha.
Things are like ok y'know. I'd like them to be better but hey it's the summer in two weeks. I've a lot to look forward to and a lot of great people to spend it with so bring it on.

ALSO watch out for the:
Reluctant Runners at the Flora Women's Mini Marathon on June 7th jogging for the Special Olympics!
Can't wait.

More updates soon!
Peace out! x

shit.shit.shit.

I'm becoming quite a moan lately. WARNING lots of moaning in this blog so if you're gonna moan to me about moaning do NOT read it.

Argh. Where to start?!
Changes. Changes. Changes.
Everyones changing around me and I feel a bit lost. I don't know who I can talk to anymore and as the summer nears I really can't say who I'll be seeing.. Everyone is doing there own thing and it's getting pretty hard to see them. They're probably saying the same about me but it seems the only interesting thing to do is go get drunk which isn't what I want to be doing at all. Not every day of summer anyway. I really just wanna get away from here and everyone in this place to try sort my head out but the lack of funds is making that very difficult.
Its come to the point where I can't even face school anymore. Every minute I spend in school I just want to cry.. Over dramatic.. probably but that's just how I'm feeling and nothing seems to be helping.
I'm also missing someone I was really close to but if I start hanging out with them I'm almost positive my friends won't be happy.. but if it makes me happy should their opinions matter?

Everything is confusing me between my family and my friends.
And it's hard to write anything down and even harder to talk to someone because they're more than likely not even paying attention to anything I'm saying..

My mams been pretty helpful though.. surprisingly. We usually don't talk about my personal life at all but with all this stuff building up she's noticing more and more how down I've been. It's a struggle to even get out of beds now. It's like a constant battle. I guess I'm just at that age?

I don't even know what I'm doing wrong? Maybe people are just sick of me. I'd probably be sick of me too. I can't feel happy about anything I do anymore. It's such a horrible feeling. I'd give anything to just leave everything and start over!

Guess I'll just have to hope for the best.
Fingers crossed =/
x

Love is a funny thing (:

In my last blog of course I was going on about my life being crappy, well not so much crappy but I was confused. Nothing was going right and anything I done was pushed aside. I felt like a nothing and sometimes I still do, I guess thats a whole different story though. So maybe I'll get into that another time.

Catch up time ...
So yeah last blog I was moaning and upset and just being a sap basically but the table have turned and things are getting better. Nothings perfect though..
I mean I worry of course. I've a lot of secrets, well not so much secrets but things in my past that like to creep up on me every now and then and really get me down.
But that's the thing in the past I wasn't me, I wasn't what I wanted to be and nothing was right. I was trapped, but I'm getting away from that slowly but surely and I like that I am.
I've got some really amazing people in my life. Some of my friends are just brilliant and of course there's Kev who's making me see some sense about things which really helps, he really helps. Its just nice sometimes having him there to talk to and get advice and stuff. He's been a really great friend and boyfriend to over the past 5 months. I mean I'm young so I'm no relationship expert but it'd been a very long time since I'd been in a relationship before I met Kev, and having that feeling of support every hour of everyday is such a nice thing to have back. He just makes a difference in my life :) it's lovely.

Nothing too exciting has been going on, I'm awful boring. Got my first tattoo back in January and I love it, can't wait for some more sooooon. Ohhh and I'm going to Boston for a week in March skiing with my school, it's gonna be really fun, once I don't braek any bones but either way I'll have a laugh! Gonna miss people when I go considering most ways of contact are going to be cut off. But it means I've things to look forward to when I get back :]

Well I'll update on whether I break my neck skiing soon.
Peace x

Is this it?

I know there's reasons behind everything right..
But lately it's getting harder and harder to understand the reasons for peoples actions. I thought I knew, I really thought I was beginning to understand, but I slowly started spiraling downwards again, and now I'm hitting rock bottom.. Fast.

What do I do..
There's no one there to catch me, and no one to care for me when I do hit rock bottom.
It's seems like such a rush.. Not the good kind though, it's like everything's going so fast now I just don't understand.
I'm stumbling blind here, I'm the only one to blame though right?
It is my fault. As much as I'm told it's not, doesn't change how I'm feeling.

Will everything be fine?
There's so much going on and I can't talk about it to anyone.
I used to talk to him a lot, about everything. And I still can.. About most things.
But how can I explain my feelings for him when he doesn't want me to. He wants things to work, or so he says he does. But if he can't let me express myself to him is it what he really wants.
Or am I letting someone I've grown so close to over the past few months completely slip through my fingers..
I want answers. But I can't get answers off someone who doesn't know what they want.
You love me. You don't. You love me. You don't.
Which is it?
It's like when I was a kid, and I'd like a boy from school and pick each petal off a daisy asking those exact same questions over until on one petal was left, and that would be my answer.
Is it too late in life to go back to my childish days, where nothing could harm me and everything was alright?

Maybe it is..
But it doesn't mean I can dream of a life without pain.

Last year I lost a close family member.
I thought to myself that I'd make 2010 really special. And when I found someone special to be I go and lose them at the start of 2010. Is it a sign? It's been happening a lot in the past few years. I'd get something great and no matter how much I want to hold on to it I lose it..
Maybe it's pure coincidence.. Or maybe I'm just unlucky, I'm just not meant to be happy..?

Am I going to suffer an on going pain in my life..